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September 07 RE-DIRECTED.For all.... three of you who actually read this, I've decided I'm sick of Windows LIVE Spaces and it's shitty shit shit. Therefore I've created my own website. With the help of Flump. And Jaryd. GO THERE. OR I'LL SPOON YOU. We had some good times MSN spaces. Too bad you're a fag now. August 29 Rupert Murdoch Owns the Universe in 3060.There are many great trilogies. This is not one of them… (Because it’s not great, or a trilogy) This story has too many sub-headings. It is probably because Jaryd is a fag.
Authors for word: Due to attempting to be organized and plan things in advance I planned to skip art and do my biology assignment, (the colossal bitch) but since I was trying to be organized, this plan blew up in my face. The school service crashed. Due to the irony, I took this as a sign, and now I sit in art writing the introduction, as when I arrive to my abode I will right THE LONG AWAIT TRIQUEL…
Last time we checked with our hero’s they were speeding away in the bat mobile to a previously unknown destination: not to a chess tournament of course, because Jaryd is afraid of chess as it rapes him in the face. He’s also scared of Indian men with flippy moustaches that come out and attack you at chess tournaments. But it’s okay because he Pwns retards and the mentally disabled at chess tournaments. (His email is stealing-peoples-mail@hotmail.com. Send him hatemail NOW.)
However, the fabulous four, or the soap cart few encountered some problems on the way to their destination, which is yet to be revealed. These problems were none of the mental category, surprisingly. They ran out of fuel.
How does one in a bat mobile get fuel you ask? Forget petrol stations, hero’s in the bat mobile get petrol from the governments secret reserve. It’s right along the secret compartment of banana’s in the capitalist’s lounge. See, it’s extremely complicated to get into the lounge… but anyway. It was ironic enough that since none of the passengers actually owned the bat mobile, no one knew about the government’s lounge, or indeed their secret bananas.
On the other hand readers, forget you read any of that. This is a poor excuse of a distraction. Hey look! A bear!
Not so long ago, on a planet not so far away… The harsh sun beat down on four figures trudging their way through the sand in the middle of day. The sand seemed to sizzle beneath their feet as the sweat dripping from each one of their pores hit the ground. Slowly they continued up and down the dunes.
“How long have we been walking for?” questioned Flump. “About five minutes” replied Dee. “Where the hell are we?” asked Jaryd. “Fecked it I kno….” Started to reply Laura when she was interrupted by what appeared to be an orange stick dressed in a bring pink tutu, contorting a grimace of what seemed to be sheer constipation. “YOU’RE ON THE SIMPLE LIFE!” shrieked the figure giggling. The four of them stopped in their tracks. They had run into, the one, the only (and thank god for that) PARIS HILTON. “HOLY SHIT. HOW MANY SEASONS ARE THEIR?” asked Laura, sinking to her knees, being blinded by a glimpse of that peroxided hair. “It’s the 64B” replied Paris, as a five year old would. “Errr… B isn’t a number” replied Michael Adams. “QUITE YOU. OFF WITH HIS HEAD” shrieked Paris again, her day glo skin wrinkling horridly.
They awaited something. Anyhing.
“Errr….” Flump started again. “SHUT UP. THEY ABANDONED ME. ALL OF THEM. OH MY GOD. MY KNIGHTS. AND MY CARDS. LIKE IN ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I’M NOT ALICE. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD!” she screamed, sinking into the dust. At that point Laura picked herself up, realising what level she had sunk to, and brushed her potato sack off. They started conversing between the four of them. “I’m guessing it’s E” said Dee throwing a side glance at Paris. “No, it’s crystal meth. Look at her” said Flump. “Nah. Heroin. I’m the expert here” said Laura throwing her nose up in the air (and catching it of course). No one question how she did this. Instead they watched Jaryd intently as he crouched down, and handed Paris a flask of bleach. “JARYD, NOW ISN’T THE TIME TO BE DEALING, FAG” yelled Laura. He started talking in low clicks, and murmurs, what he called ‘his’ language (as he’s so high and mighty and all) A few minutes later, he stood up again, and announced ‘We’re in Iraq’ No one asked how Paris spoke Jaryd. It’s probably because Paris has slept with anyone. Even Jaryd. “IRAQ. OH MY GOD. If the American’s haven’t taken all the oil, this is FANTASTIC!” Laura said jumping up and down. “All we have to do. It dig down.” “But with what?” They all slowly turned to face Paris, and her stick like body, with a shovel like head and grinned sadistically.
**********************************88888 (We didn’t have enough money left over to fill in that gap, so instead we used 8’s. It could have been worse. I could have used binary. Lyke 0001 01010 00110.)
A few hours later, the four arrived to their ACTUAL destination of Braunau, Austria, the actual real birth place of Hitler. Hawthorne Heights was streaming loudly from the house on top of the hill. “OH MY GOD. THE DEPRESSION” yelled the four of them, covering their ears, rolling on the ground as soon as they stepped out of the bat mobile. “THE EMONESS” said Laura, taking a stab at Ryan for calling her a narc. “This is definitely the home of the NAZI KID” –dun dun duuuuuuun- Suddenly, fifty ninjas jumped out of the artificial obviously fake bushes. They all had ear plugs in, obviously not being affective by the incredibly emotive music playing the the background. The spear tackled the two boys and impregnated the girls with lightening bolts. But it didn’t work because they were both wearing wooden underwear and electricity doesn’t penetrate wood.
(At this point I must stab myself in the head. Wooden underwear? WHAT THE FUCK. Anyway)
Then, out of the blue (the sky of course, as the sky is blue) TWO PARACHUTED MASKED WARRIORS LANDED AND DEFEATED THE NINJAS. They took of their masks. AND THEY WERE. THE AWESOME. TALEAH AND KATEH!
“Oh my god! YOU SAVED US! YAY!” rushed Laura and Jaryd to greet them and knock them unconscious with multiple hugs. Flump and Dee didn’t know who they were so they just somehow became immune to Hawthorne Heights and it’s emoness. EMO EMO EMO. HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS IS EMO. TAKE THAT RYAN. I’LL SHOW YOU CALLING ME A NARC!
“It’s judgement day” spoke Flump with all seriousness. And then… they walked up the the house. AND KICKED THE DOOR DOWN. And then… Laura had to go do some school work. But she’ll continue one day. July 25 To the Bronx Yo'KLM (C-unit) is my homeboy fo' shizzle. I've known him since I was like, born like and y'all should give him candy.
End.
Thank Y'all and Goodnight™
Laura (Who is SUPPOSED to be doing homework after a 14 hour day at school.) July 15 I love People sometimes.Awwwwweeeeeh.
Jaryd is the best person in the world. =) (I'm in a good mood, you dig)
Dee, Flump, Lana, Kateh and Josh all rock pretty hard too.
I <3 you guys.
AWWEEH. CUTE.
And Ryan-brother and Ashley =)
And Nadfuck and Mad and Kurt and Elliot.
And anyone else who I've so carelessly forgotten.
You guys make me feel great.
Thank You and Goodnight™
Laura (Who is beginning to think this patch of insanity is more than temporary.)
edit: Laura is a fucking sap.
edit**: Laura doesn't care.
July 05 B E W A R E: This Blog is a Masterpiece painted with gauche colours from Overflow at $2.99 each. (title may contain too many spaces) Weeee. ZOMG. WEEEEEEE.BEWARE OF THE WEIRD BLOG ENTRY… -CONTENTS MAY SHOCK SOME VIEWERS IF THEY ARE STUPID- -CRAP. I STILL HAVE SUPERGLUE ON MY HANDS-
The room is dark. I’m wearing my chuck combat boots pacing around the room. You’re tied to a chair (and I’ll tell you right now that this is NOT a cyber) “So, you wanted an update, you Zucchini munching faggot? WELL YOU’RE GOING TO GET ONE.” But just not a proper one.
Because this is what has happened to me during the past four days.... (YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT DAMN IT) I have had 12 cups of coffee. I have worked 32 hours. I have counted over 60 000 items during stock takes, including 5 407 gift cards. I have contracted a disorder where I randomly started counting things. I have dealt with countless fucking bogans. I mean customers… I have had about ten hours sleep. I have gotten up at four each morning. I have moves one gazillion kilos. I have devoured about 14 painkillers. I want to die.
Kill me. Put me out of my misery.
BUT… THANKFULLY I’M GOING TO GET BETTER BECAUSE I’M GETTING A BIG, FAT, PAYCHECK.
HAHA. LOOK AT THAT ANIMATION (I’m too easily distracted)
Now, for more adventures of the soap cart few. Since I’m barely sober, this adventure starts like THIS.
HIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
(And I’m going to write it as a play BECAUSE it’s my story and I CAN dammnit…)
Me: ZOMG. I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT I WROTE IN THE LAST SOTRY BECAUSE I CANT REMMEBER WHAT I WROTE RPEVEIOSLY. OH NOEEEES!!!1111ONE… ONE… I’m incoherent now. Fuck you caps lock. OH MY GOD.
Jaryd; YOU WHORE. –insert lame insult about me being a whore here because Jaryd is a fag- GIVE ME BACK MY BLEACH AND MY CRACK AND ALL MY NARCOTICS.;
Flump: -something concerning something intelligent here- I CAN SPEAK VOGAN. HUZZAQ.
Dee: I think Laura’s twisted our personallites because she’s half drugeeged and hungry and needs sleep so she’s made us weird.
I then turn Dee’s characteruisstcis into a pedophile. Ooops. =D
Then I draw a diagram because I want to make this a picture book. With only one diagram because I’m tired.
I don’t care if this offends anyone, especially you guspacio and sir gustove whats his face. With the moustache. HE WAS ALWAYS A SHIFTY ONE.
=SD
I WILL actually write the real adventures continued one day. Hhaa. Look at all the spelling errors.
Me: ZOMG. THIS WAS THE WORST ENTRY EVER –insert French obscene language in relation to a tabby cat raping a horse-
Jaryd: MORE BLEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 <3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3 <4… EAT EMO SPAM WHORE.
Flump: YAY. HITCHHIKERS GUIDE IS GOOD LAURA =D IT IS FLUMP, I LOVE IT SO. =D
Ryan: HEYY… SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT RYAN AND ALAINNA BECAUSE I WAS SO WRAPPED UP IN MAKING JARYD LOOJK LIKE A FAG. Not that that’s hard work.
Dee: Laura. I’m not being sewen in public wwiht you ever. And I like Dee =)
I don’t know if all of that was all in third person.
I’m sorry if ANYONE got offended by this. Acutally no. I hate you all. You’re all soft cocked pansies. WHO GETS OFFENDED BY A BLOG ENTRY? LIVE WITHIT YOU FUCKING FACIST WITH YOU CENCORSHIP CRAP. HEY, JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING YOU DON’T AGREE WITH DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO FUCKING CENSOR THEM. I HAVEN’T CENSORED MY SCHOOL, THE GOVERNMENT OR GEROGE BUSH YET HAVE I? NO… SO FYUCK YOU.
Haha. Fyuck. LOL.
And futhur more. I don’t care if I had caps lock on. And futhur on more I need sleep And more on more I need more characters for my story. SUGGEST SOME FOOL. And more more more, please please take the coffee away from me.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FORCE ME TO UPDATE YOU FILTHY GERMAN PORNO LOVING WHORES.
Edit: I’m joking Dee, Flump, Jaryd… <3 I love you all =) Take none of this seriously. Except the bit before the last and this bit =) = XD XD
Adios.
NOW TO GET MORE HITS…. Seedy Harcore Porn Men fucking woman dick virgin rape milkmaid whore fuck cunt vagina finger blow suck lick arm nose ear emo boy kissing hardcore xxxx barn anal vaginal thrust animals nude naked fuck rape hard soft gently fast dick emo gay lesbian bi incest doggy style boob foot toe chameleon.
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Thank You and Goodnight™ Laura (Who will write a proper entry one day) June 03 The Chornicals of Bullocks: Part IIAh, what a distraction writing causes. Instead of doing what I’m supposed to be doing, which is finish the assessment on my school’s waste management system (who cares), or writing my stimulus sheet (why bother), or taking care of my sick brother (I do NOT like the smell of regurgitated Chinese food, thank you very much) I shall write another blog.
I’ve decided to be cheap today and steal MSN’s heading.
31 Ways to Use Your Blog (Okay, I lied, only five)
1. Sell yourself and friend’s as mail order wives over the internet. It’s perfectly safe, we promise! 2. Start sentences in English, and then continue them in French. MSN likes to do this, look at what THEY had for their second suggestion <Post a quote du jour.> By doing this you’re guaranteed to be as cool as MSN. 3. Start an online army that will attempt to overthrow a government. Yes, not any government, just a government. With the new anti-terror laws your local government’s stable system is bound to be thrown into full chaos, and they’ll start napalming people’s houses. 4. Do what they did on Chaser’s War on Everything and make an all male cheerleading squad in attempt to make people quit smoking. 5. Start a kiddie porn ring and see how many sickos you can get arrested.
Maybe I’ll just continue my story?
Last time we joined our heroes (Okay, heroes of WHAT? They killed an ancient prophet, broke into a house and burnt dead otters. However, with all of that put aside…) Flumps phone had just rung,, and the news that Hitler had been bought back to life had arrived…
Now for MORE whack adventures of the soap cart few…
The six of them were sitting at the table, enjoying their assortments of tasty, fine cheeses, when Flumps phone rang. Laura immediately started laughing and pointing as he drew his phone out of his pocket “YUPPIE PHONE, HAHAHA” As she did with Jesus’s phone. They all hushed her and watched as Flump’s brows knotted, he nodded, murmured a few ‘Yu-huh’s’ into his phone, and finally before closing it said ‘We’ll be right there’ Silence hung in the air for a few seconds, before someone finally spoke up. “Well, what’s wrong? Did the Purple Shirted eye stabber escape from prison again?” asked Dee raising her eyebrows. “No, worse. Someone’s resurrected Hitler.” A few people gasped. These few people happened to be the hobo’s eating Sushi leftovers out of Adrian’s garbage can. After Jaryd shooed them away by napalming the bins, they continued their conversation. After a few more seconds, Dee and Laura looked at each other and came to a realization (which was probably inspired by Lain trying to sneak out the cat flap) “LAIN! How could you resurrect Hitler!” they exclaimed. “I’m sorry, I’m just so Nazi, and so scientifically able that I couldn’t resist. Now I’m going to go join forces with him. See ya!” she said saluting, and flying away on rocket boots. “Well that was unexpected” said Dee sarcastically. Only Laura could tell that she was being sarcastic though because sometimes Dee is so sarcastic that you need to have a SARCASM DETECTOR 100000v 6.2 to find out if she’s actually being serious. Flump and Jaryd weren’t exclusive enough to own one.
“So what do we do now?” asked Laura looking at everyone around the table. “Beats me.” Said Adrian, taking his cheese under his coat and sulking off to his den, muttering ‘Damn Hitler has to ruin everything’ in angry tones under his breath. “I say we join the circus, and grow turnips in our caravan!” said Jaryd brightly. He had happened to find the bleach under Adrian’s kitchen sink and was inhaling it quite happily. “No silly, that’s NOT good for you. Do you want to get more brain damage than you already have?” said Laura, rushing to pry the bleach out of Jaryd’s hands. Flump and Dee shook their heads watching the two fight over bleach, and started discussing plans, X-men style. [Note, this dosen’t mean they morphed into X-men or anything, it just seems so much cooler when they’re discussing plans in X-men than real life] Dee spoke up. “I read once, that the only way to kill Hitler, once and for all is to remove his squeedly spooch.” “Where did you read that?” asked Flump. “New York Times” said Dee nodding proudly. “THEN THAT IS WHAT WE WILL DO” said Flump brandishing his light saber and throwing Dee one too. The both switches their gazes to the kitchen, were their two other comrades were. Jaryd and Laura were sprawled on the floor laughing about turnips. Since Jaryd was a bleach dealer, he’d gotten Laura to switch from crack, to bleach ‘It’s so much cheaper!’
“Come on FOOLS” said Mr T [the guest star!] And they got up, still giddy with laughter, and received a light saber each from Flump. Laura then tapped three times on the nose of the painting of Mona Lisa behind her, and a trap door beneath them.
****
The darkness spiraled beneath them as they descended… 20m, the cold air rubbed them up and down… 15m The smell of petrol and furniture cleaner filled the air, and their lungs 10m, The feel of being emo and living in a black abyss, 5m and then, they landed perfectly in black furnished leather seats. “Holy FECK, It’s a bat mobile!” said Laura, still giddy. Even though she was high on bleach, she was right. They had landed in the bat mobile. It was complete with a pine shaped air freshener. “Wee, that was fun! Let’s do it again!” said Jaryd bouncing up and down like a toddler on crack. Dee found a water sprayer and let a burst of cold water hit the two square in the face. That seemed to sober them up. “Right, Mission, Hitler. I’m on it” said Laura, her face set into full seriousness. “Right, Second Holocaust by Lain, Confiscation of Squeedly Spooch… I’m on i… Wait, why does HITLER have a squeedly spooch? I thought only Zim had one!” continued Jaryd. “Ahh, that would be because Hitler is pure evil and wants to destroy the human race. Anyone who wants to destroy the human race has a squeedly spooch.” Said Dee knowledgably. “New York times?” asked Flump tilting his beret. “No, It’s just my godly powers pizza’s given me” replied Dee. “Okay Kidlets, seat belts on!” said Jaryd pressing the red button that said ‘Seatbelts and NOT certain doom’ They all put on their three D glasses, forgetting that this was the real bat mobile, and not the ride and Movie World, and sped off into the night sky.
To be continued…
Thank You and Goodnight™ Laura (Who has to go do some type of work now) May 27 Dying To LiveWell now, just a quick entry, with one thing to say. The next time you’re so freaking self absorbed in your life and ‘everything’s so wrong’ take a look around. It dosen’t matter if you’re having a small argument with friends, family etc… The next time you’re complaining about school, think for a moment before opening your mouth. Millions of children are dying to go to school. Dying to learn to read and write. Dying to live. We, are the And what do we do? Complain.
I know it’s human instinct to never be happy. Greed, and always wanting more. But for Christ’s sake, look at the people around you. The earth and all the universe does not revolve around you.
After sitting here and observing things, I must say that people… suck. Some do not however, and I think you all know who you are.
Anyway, I have to go blow up balloons before Dee and Lain spleen my squiggly spooch. No wait, Tie up balloons.
Thank You and Goodnight™. Laura (Who knows there is nothing humorous or coherent about this entry) |
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